Busy being me....

Monday, February 13, 2017

I mentioned back in my New Years post that this year I am working on being me and you would be hearing more about that. Today I want to give you more of an explanation of what I mean by this.

You know how in middle school you start to want to act like the other kids, usually the "cool" kids. You envy a lot as you navigate your way through this awkward time in your life. You want things the other kids have, you want hair that the other girls have, if your hair is straight you long for curly, etc. As you enter high school and find a solid group of friends you start to feel more confident in your own skin. You begin to appreciate your differences and just truly enjoy life a bit more. Then college years you don't worry much about anything beyond your school work and where the next party was, at least for me that was true! Then you become a true adult, a wife and a parent and all of a sudden you feel life under a microscope again.

Maybe I am the only one who feels like this, your story could be totally different, you might have had great confidence your whole life and never doubted yourself, but I definitely did and when I became a parent I began to do it again. Are you using cloth diapers, do you make your own baby food, how many hours a night is your baby sleeping? They sleep on their bellies, you moved the car seat already, you allow them to watch TV?? 

Then as a family, I would look around, this is where Facebook is a big factor, and compare our life to everyone else's. For years my house was nothing to be proud of, we don't travel enough, we aren't having as much fun as other people, we aren't going to church, I am not exercising, I am not thin enough and I am not a morning person. The early bird gets the worm, right??

You name it and I was giving myself a hard time about it. I felt like I was not happy. How can I be happy when we have so many flaws. What I didn't realize is that I was not happy because I was trying to make myself something that I am not.

The realization came to me at counseling a few months back. We were catching up. How are things going and I said things were going really well. I had put into place a new way of scheduling myself per her suggestion at my last visit and my time management had greatly improved, BUT...I am still not getting up early in the morning, I said. I am still having a hard time getting out of bed before the kids to get stuff done before they get up. Her question to me, was why do you need to get up before the kids?? My answer was, I don't know? It seems like a lot of people do and say how that time is so great and they get so much accomplished. She explained to me that I get stuff done in the evening that these people are doing in the morning. I am clearly not a morning person and that's ok. My schedule does not need me to be a morning person so why am I trying to change myself? Holy lightbulb!!!

I am 36 years old and I am still trying to mold my life based on what I am seeing other people do and it has really been going on since I had Olivia. I tried making baby food when that is not something that was important to me, but I felt weird pulling out a jar in front of certain people. It wasn't the right thing for me, but I felt bad when I stopped. My house was small and not what we wanted, but we made the best of it and I should have owned it and not been embarrassed by it. We don't get on a plane and travel all the time, but for us we are just as happy, if not happier and more relaxed sitting on the lake for a week at camp. We will travel, but it hasn't been a priority for us and I shouldn't feel embarrassed by that, but I was. And for the love of god, why can't I become a morning person?? Because I stay up until late at night and my body is not ready to get out of bed. I don't want to go to bed early so that I can get up early, and I need 7-9 hours of sleep and that is non negotiable. So there. I am a night owl...stop trying to change myself.

The moral of the story is counseling is fabulous...haha :) Just kidding. The moral is, Be You! When you start to feel judgmental of yourself, dig deep. Are you upset because you really want something for yourself and your family or you think that you should?? You might be surprised of the pressure we put on ourselves that we would not be putting there if we only worried about what was important to us and what worked with our lives. Because it is OUR lives, right?

I am busy these days being me, what about you?? 
Till next time!

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